Muah ha ha

You Are 70% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

Fan-tabulous!

What a fantastic day! The show down of my month long project, and it went off! Everything went awesome! Everything flowed, everything was in sync! Oh the high!

What a success! So much good can come from this, I want to use today and ride it forever. I want everyone to get on this high...its awesome!

He called today. Just before. He sounds happy, he wants to talk. I told him Thursday would be fine. I don't know if I care what he says, he's not important right now. But I can't deny it was good to have his congrats.

I saw L today too. A kiss hello and a kiss goodbye. I hope he'll come on Wednesday too. Who knows what the next few days will bring, but I am determined to use it all.

FUCK HIM!

I sent him a message half an hour ago, congratulating him on a win. No response. And I was wondering tonight if I was avoiding him, or he was avoiding me. Well FUCK HIM!

Wednesday's going to be shithouse. So is Thursday. But i'm all good. I'm soooo much better then him. And damnit I deserve better then him.

I realized the other day, all I write about here is him. But he's so not worth it. Wow. I so don't need the drama. I don't need the boring routine, or the bad sex or the emotional games.

So, I'm going to show men like him that they can't have girls like me.

I want something more.

I also miss my CJ and my year of bliss.

The real world is full of too much reality.

And now: I take control.

My afternoon entry

Well hello internet world,

Right now I'm curled into a happy little ball in the corner of my big, wide bed. Crunchy socks and cozy vest to keep me huddled in tight. Steaming coffee and my ashtray to keep my company, and of course my favorite tv blather in the background. This is how I like to spend my days off. I should really be at the office with the others. Putting in last minute efforts to keep the world from falling around our ears tomorrow. But meh, I'm happy here for a moment. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring. Tomorrow in both the literal and philosophical sense.

Just at this moment though I feel at peace, like the calm before a storm. I like the feeling of typing, of putting letters together and creating sentences. I like noting my thoughts down and pretending they mean something to anyone else.

But lets keep most of this between you and me ok.

My Practice Speech/Letter

I don't really need to hear your answer. I don't want to play anymore. Not if this is how its going to be. If you don't want to fight for me and you want to do your sleazy, man-whore thing, I'm not interested anyway. I don't really think you're the guy I thought you were anymore. I'm not interested in the drama or the games. And you know, thats got nothing to do with anyone else except you an me.

I like you. But I'm so not interested in playing stop over girl while you wait for an eighteen year old blond come along. Let me know if you figure out what you want though. I'm not over you, I'm just not really up for the guy you've been lately, but if you start tossing up between that guy, and the man I know you can be, you know where I am.

Oh, and by the way, if this is who you want to be, and what you want to do, you should change you're myspace profile because you're selling yourself as something you're not.

...then I make a really hot, sexy exit and he realizes he wants to change and decides I'm oh so hot and he can't live without me.

Oh yeah, I live in utopia, did I forget to mention that?

I predict its over

Well today didn't go as my poorly laid plans had hoped. I didn't look so hot for starters. I made a drunkin decision to see him last night when I shouldn't have. It was a lame decision. I was pissed and lonely and I want him to love me.

We kept drinking.

I don't think anything bad was said. Just nothing productive.

So, today I was hung over, tired, sad, frustrated, lonely and desperate. I really wanted him to hug me. To give me that comfort and say, hey, its all good. But he doesn't. And he wont.

Ahh the problems of being attracted to a man so like me. Attracted to a man who is as incapable of showing emotion.

My new tactic will be to chin up. Nothing's less sexy then a sad sack. I've got to stay the girl he liked before and just see what happens I guess but the waitings going to kill me over the weekend. Its all so humiliating. I need to take some power back somehow.

His To Do List

His to do list:

Tell her that he cares

Stand up for her

Actually care for her

Fall in love with her

Stay strong

Be himself

Say what he thinks

Grow Balls

Be the other man...