Monday, July 23, 2007

Muah ha ha

You Are 70% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

Monday, July 16, 2007


What a fantastic day! The show down of my month long project, and it went off! Everything went awesome! Everything flowed, everything was in sync! Oh the high!

What a success! So much good can come from this, I want to use today and ride it forever. I want everyone to get on this high...its awesome!

He called today. Just before. He sounds happy, he wants to talk. I told him Thursday would be fine. I don't know if I care what he says, he's not important right now. But I can't deny it was good to have his congrats.

I saw L today too. A kiss hello and a kiss goodbye. I hope he'll come on Wednesday too. Who knows what the next few days will bring, but I am determined to use it all.

Sunday, July 15, 2007


I sent him a message half an hour ago, congratulating him on a win. No response. And I was wondering tonight if I was avoiding him, or he was avoiding me. Well FUCK HIM!

Wednesday's going to be shithouse. So is Thursday. But i'm all good. I'm soooo much better then him. And damnit I deserve better then him.

I realized the other day, all I write about here is him. But he's so not worth it. Wow. I so don't need the drama. I don't need the boring routine, or the bad sex or the emotional games.

So, I'm going to show men like him that they can't have girls like me.

I want something more.

I also miss my CJ and my year of bliss.

The real world is full of too much reality.

And now: I take control.

My afternoon entry

Well hello internet world,

Right now I'm curled into a happy little ball in the corner of my big, wide bed. Crunchy socks and cozy vest to keep me huddled in tight. Steaming coffee and my ashtray to keep my company, and of course my favorite tv blather in the background. This is how I like to spend my days off. I should really be at the office with the others. Putting in last minute efforts to keep the world from falling around our ears tomorrow. But meh, I'm happy here for a moment. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring. Tomorrow in both the literal and philosophical sense.

Just at this moment though I feel at peace, like the calm before a storm. I like the feeling of typing, of putting letters together and creating sentences. I like noting my thoughts down and pretending they mean something to anyone else.

But lets keep most of this between you and me ok.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

My Practice Speech/Letter

I don't really need to hear your answer. I don't want to play anymore. Not if this is how its going to be. If you don't want to fight for me and you want to do your sleazy, man-whore thing, I'm not interested anyway. I don't really think you're the guy I thought you were anymore. I'm not interested in the drama or the games. And you know, thats got nothing to do with anyone else except you an me.

I like you. But I'm so not interested in playing stop over girl while you wait for an eighteen year old blond come along. Let me know if you figure out what you want though. I'm not over you, I'm just not really up for the guy you've been lately, but if you start tossing up between that guy, and the man I know you can be, you know where I am.

Oh, and by the way, if this is who you want to be, and what you want to do, you should change you're myspace profile because you're selling yourself as something you're not.

...then I make a really hot, sexy exit and he realizes he wants to change and decides I'm oh so hot and he can't live without me.

Oh yeah, I live in utopia, did I forget to mention that?

Thursday, July 12, 2007

I predict its over

Well today didn't go as my poorly laid plans had hoped. I didn't look so hot for starters. I made a drunkin decision to see him last night when I shouldn't have. It was a lame decision. I was pissed and lonely and I want him to love me.

We kept drinking.

I don't think anything bad was said. Just nothing productive.

So, today I was hung over, tired, sad, frustrated, lonely and desperate. I really wanted him to hug me. To give me that comfort and say, hey, its all good. But he doesn't. And he wont.

Ahh the problems of being attracted to a man so like me. Attracted to a man who is as incapable of showing emotion.

My new tactic will be to chin up. Nothing's less sexy then a sad sack. I've got to stay the girl he liked before and just see what happens I guess but the waitings going to kill me over the weekend. Its all so humiliating. I need to take some power back somehow.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

His To Do List

His to do list:

Tell her that he cares

Stand up for her

Actually care for her

Fall in love with her

Stay strong

Be himself

Say what he thinks

Grow Balls

Be the other man...

Love Life BS

Well, my update sucks. I've decided to drown my sorrows in a bottle of red so forgive me if this becomes more and more incoherent as I go on.

My decision to confront him about the other woman went sour. He's having a freak out about the public nature of our "relationship" if thats what you call it, and any potential future progression of that relationship.

So, I decided that my little hissy fit probably wasn't needed today. We'll see what happens tomorrow I guess. He wants to continue his man-whore ways, and I don't want to be any part of that. I'm getting a bit bored with the novelty of being his side girl. Something needs to change, and I know what it will be. Its embarrassing. Everyone knows. Its so public and talked about. *Shudder* Thing is, I'm sick of this crap, and I can't think of any really good reasons to put up with the crap. But the idea of seeing him, and hearing about him, with other girls is humiliating. I guess thats not really a good enough reason though is it.

I don't want to be THAT girl. THAT girl that moans and winges and gets all prissy, princessy and demanding. But what next...

Where's the line between being that, and being assertive and "caring for myself"


Tomorrow I have a part of a plan. Thus far the plan is to look REALLY hot. I don't really know what that will achieve but I know it will make me feel comfotable enough to carry out any further plans I might come up with.

I think I'd have less problem with all of this if there was someone else I could turn to. GC thinks I should go after JCC. Interesting thought. But probably too close to home. Then there's always the other one. Thing is, I still miss my ex. How the world turns eh? I want to fall in love with someone, and I want someone to fall in love with me. I know in my heart (and head) that this boy isn't that boy. But it would be so nice if he was. Maybe I'm clinging on too hard to what I wish was reality, not what IS reality. I want to find a man that will care for me, and make me happy and feel good. I want a man who fights with me, and challenges me, and interests and inspires me. If only I could start this year again.

I want to go back one year to the day. I want to relive the heaven of the year I just finished. Just one more time. I wouldn't change anything. Ok, maybe one or two things. But nothing major.

I wish he'd turn into someone who could be all of that. I'll live in hope and trepidation of tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Does the Boy have a name?

So there's this boy.

I think I have good instincts. I don't always follow them of course. I think thats where all my regrets are born.

There's nothing official going on. We tell ourselves its just casual. But I don't think I'm happy with that any more. My trusty gut tells me that he's not boyfriend material.

Sometimes we talk vaguely about 'us'. But its the conversation never goes anywhere. He doesn't trust. And neither do I. We both shut ourselves away from the world. He likes bad girls, and I'm not. I've done bad things. I make mistakes. But I'm not angry at the world. I don't really know what he likes about me. Maybe its just because I'm here. Easy access and all that. What a tragic, soul crushing thought.

I want to fall in love. I don't want pain. I fear this one will bring me pain.

Of course, there are things I like about him. He's intriguing to me, he interests me. But I don't know if thats enough. I sense there's things going on behind the scenes that I don't want to raise the curtain to.

Actually, the more I think about it, the less I can identify as things I can't live without. The sex is average. The conversation average. Everything average. Not comfortable, not uncomfortable, just average. When we went out recently, it was the first time he really showed affection in public. Well, I should revise that and say, shows affection in public when he's sober. We draw a lot of attention as a couple, something I'm not comfortable with, but something that excites me at the same time.

Maybe I should never interfere with this thing. Maybe I should just, for once in my life, let things happen. Thing is I'm just not really that kind of person. I tend to do things. I like to be in control.

I found out today that he's been messaging other girls online. I did this sneaky stalker thing and sussed it out. Horrendous of me I know! He suggested he take her out for a drink at the place we always go. Am I being too girly in feeling shattered by this? I'm angry, and sad. I want to tell him that its not ok. I want to tell him that I want to slow down for a while, or maybe I want to make things official. I don't know. I don't want to push him. I don't want to give ultimatums. Where does the line go between standing up for yourself, and letting things happen.

Why am I so affected by this? The obsession with the problem is embarrassing in itself really.

I think I have to say or do something though.

I'll update on the hell of my love life later.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

So this will be my blog

So this will be my blog. My first ever uncensored blog. And this is all I can think of to say. My computer sucks. I hate it. But my life is good. Not that that makes interesting reading for anybody, even me!

I am confused sometimes. My confidence is easily struck down and dissolved by small, seemingly insignificant things. Small, nasty things people say, not being included in silly conversations leave me brooding and shaken for days. Does this make me a weak person? Am I setting myself up for failure? I definitely need to get a thicker skin thats for sure.

A few weeks ago, someone *nearly* called me a slut. I cried for days and couldn't look them in the eye for weeks. Sad I know. I should be able to flick those sad people off as trouble makers and bitches. But maybe insecurity is a human condition that I have to live with. I suppose the degree to which your human nature interferes with your life defines who you are, and how you carry yourself. Maybe we're pre-wired to react with a certain insecurity and self deprecating doubt to people who question us. But not everyone reacts the same. Or do they? How would I know if those arrogant bastards I know don't feel the same way about bitchiness that I do.

Thats enough from me. But I'll pick it up soon.