Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Does the Boy have a name?

So there's this boy.

I think I have good instincts. I don't always follow them of course. I think thats where all my regrets are born.

There's nothing official going on. We tell ourselves its just casual. But I don't think I'm happy with that any more. My trusty gut tells me that he's not boyfriend material.

Sometimes we talk vaguely about 'us'. But its the conversation never goes anywhere. He doesn't trust. And neither do I. We both shut ourselves away from the world. He likes bad girls, and I'm not. I've done bad things. I make mistakes. But I'm not angry at the world. I don't really know what he likes about me. Maybe its just because I'm here. Easy access and all that. What a tragic, soul crushing thought.

I want to fall in love. I don't want pain. I fear this one will bring me pain.

Of course, there are things I like about him. He's intriguing to me, he interests me. But I don't know if thats enough. I sense there's things going on behind the scenes that I don't want to raise the curtain to.

Actually, the more I think about it, the less I can identify as things I can't live without. The sex is average. The conversation average. Everything average. Not comfortable, not uncomfortable, just average. When we went out recently, it was the first time he really showed affection in public. Well, I should revise that and say, shows affection in public when he's sober. We draw a lot of attention as a couple, something I'm not comfortable with, but something that excites me at the same time.

Maybe I should never interfere with this thing. Maybe I should just, for once in my life, let things happen. Thing is I'm just not really that kind of person. I tend to do things. I like to be in control.

I found out today that he's been messaging other girls online. I did this sneaky stalker thing and sussed it out. Horrendous of me I know! He suggested he take her out for a drink at the place we always go. Am I being too girly in feeling shattered by this? I'm angry, and sad. I want to tell him that its not ok. I want to tell him that I want to slow down for a while, or maybe I want to make things official. I don't know. I don't want to push him. I don't want to give ultimatums. Where does the line go between standing up for yourself, and letting things happen.

Why am I so affected by this? The obsession with the problem is embarrassing in itself really.

I think I have to say or do something though.

I'll update on the hell of my love life later.

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